Fatherhood: Loneliness

The greatest irony of having a new person join your life forever is how lonely you can become. Playing off my last post, life is more lonely ow than ever before. I have a son (still fun to say), but so much has changed that I have felt pangs of loneliness that I haven't felt since high school (which so sucks).

I thrive on social gatherings. I need them. It is a rare day that I will say, "You know, I want to stay by myself for tonight." During my first four years of marriage, my wife and I have been social butterflies flitting between groups every weekend, and often during the week. We'd stay up late, play games, have 24-hour movie festivals. Now the boy has arrived, and so much has changed.

I'll never say that I'm not thrill to have my son. I'd take him in a heartbeat over anybody else I know. But there is no denying that he has been a handicap to our social activities. This is no surprise. Yet, I am still stunned by the magnitude of the impact he has had. V mixes well with our friends, they love him much. But what drives me bonkers is knowing we have to go home early and that I know we've been left out of other plans. This is the high school feeling all over again. "Don't you like me? I thought we were cool." Bleh.

As mentioned in my other post, I know there is no malice being slid back and forth, but the brain and heart can take off in all sorts of different directions and pull your logic and reason with them.

I mentioned in my last post that there will soon be another father in my social arena. This thrills me to no end. If nothing else, these posts are a way to sort through my thoughts and goofy feelings. But before too long, I'll be able to actually have a conversation about them. For fatherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But it has been the most trying experience in ways I never would have expected.

My Own Road

Satan's being a brain fuggler again.

Through the last month, I've felt it--the devil is messing with my head. March is usually in my top four months of the year, but not so this year. Instead it has been a month of panic, guilt, depression, and meltdown. Reasons for the turmoil are already being assembled in future postings, but one of the main reasons is this--I'm on my own road.

For me, sharing a common human experience is one of the most important realizations for me. It's what drew me to literature, writing, and language. Growing up, I shied away from most literature because I saw it as the musings of the pompous and snotty--pricks that could never have an understanding of what I had to deal with in life. It wasn't until college when a brilliant professors made it all click for me, spun that magical thread that showed me how I was connected to everybody, that out there, somewhere, hundreds, if not thousand and even millions, of people know what I go through daily (sort of like I Heart Huckabees, but less crazy). Lately, however, I've been feeling a lot more of the solitude of life.

I dealt with this when my wife was pregnant. For this reason, I loved lamaze classes because it let me connect with people, I rediscovered that thread. Now, that thread seems to have disappeared. Being the only expecting couple among my friends was tricky. What my wife dealt with was unknowable by any of the other wives, and the anxiety of becoming a father was unknowable among the husbands.

It's happening again now that my son is here. It's interesting to see how the dynamic of the group has changed. Some of it may have been unavoidable even without a child, but with a car seat in the back and a diaper bag across the shoulder, it feels more obvious. None of the changes were intentional or malicious, but they are very real and quite odd to deal with.

As the only father in my social circle (but there's another on the way. Yippee.), I feel I am on my own road that is heading in not a different direction, just a different route. Maybe I'm taking Route 66 while the others are blazing along the interstate. I don't know. Whatever it is, though, I feel a unique tug and direction to my life right now that I'm not sensing from the others I hang out with. More of this to come in soon-coming, perhaps slightly depressing posts.

Big Ol' Stack of Work

I never enjoy taking days off work. Catching up afterward is such a hassle, it rarely seems worth it. Taking five days off in a row has a greatly amplified effect. My work stack of papers and things to sort out upon my return to work is daunting, indeed. I spent about half an hour just sorting papers without having the chance to grade any of them. I have two student assistants--something I would never consider having if not for my work load. I don't know any of my students' names.

The difference between this and any other day-off conundrum is that this time it was totally worth it. With my son at home, I want nothing more but to be there. If there were a way to work at home, I would take it up in a second. leaving home is harder than ever before and I have to take the time before I mosey out the door to sit and just watch him sleep. He's such a stud and he's the most worthwhile thing to look at since I met my wife.

Bring it on 2010

I'm very technical when it comes to the new year. The joy and romance and tradition that many people put on means very little to me. It simply means that it's 2010 now instead of 2009. In that mindset, I rarely set up any kind of resolution system, for I feel that resolutions are like so many rules--made to be broken. However, I did get a wave of inspiration this morning, a romance that I'm pretty sure was the result of sitting and thinking that at any time my wife and I will have a permanent house guest. The idea of living for two has been a mighty powerful force that comes in waves and knocks me around, rolling me on the floor of reality and stealing my breath. So with young Prindle soon to be arriving, I've been thinking of ways to enrich my life in ways that benefit ore than just me.

33 Push-ups daily
50 Sit-ups daily
Write 2500 words per week
Write/revise one poem/song per week
Schedule one photo shoot per month
Memorize at least one hymn per month
Learn a new song per month
Prepare one sermon per month regardless of my obligation to preach it
Read at least one Ellen White book

Other ideas went through my brain, but I wasn't sure how to put them in a way for me to quantify. For example, I want to put more focus into the martial arts, maybe get to the point where I'm picking up a new discipline. I want to be the best dad in the known galaxy. I want to record music and make podcasts. The list is already large enough that people could tell me that it is too much, but I figure that if these are worth doing, then I can and need to make them happen.

Cat Piss

I accidentally made my wife cry over the weekend. I mentioned the possibility of ridding our house of cats. I don't really want to lose them, they are incredibly awesome, and I love them greatly. However, the weekend brought about two urinary occasions that left me quite upset. Whenever my parents come to town, they seem to receive the brunt of my kitties' bladder venom. One such peeing escapade was in my parents' suitcase. It was on the floor, a place that I thought I was clear about when I said, "Don't leave anything on the floor." But the other was on Sunday morning when I was stripping sheets from the bed and found a big wet spot. Either my parents have bed-wetting issues or one of my cats has taken its bathroom behavior to new heights.

I hollered for my wife to come down because I needed to talk to her. I showed the sheet and made my claim that if this persists, we may need to be done with them.

I love my cats, and I would likely not care as much about their pissing practices. However, with child en route, I'm feeling like I should care more. Yeah, I can replace almost anything they can urinate on, but with a kid rolling around the floor, or not being able to get away from such a substance, I'm feeling the need to take it all seriously.

Plus, I don't want Jr. to get peed on...that would just suck.