Fatherhood: Loneliness

The greatest irony of having a new person join your life forever is how lonely you can become. Playing off my last post, life is more lonely ow than ever before. I have a son (still fun to say), but so much has changed that I have felt pangs of loneliness that I haven't felt since high school (which so sucks).

I thrive on social gatherings. I need them. It is a rare day that I will say, "You know, I want to stay by myself for tonight." During my first four years of marriage, my wife and I have been social butterflies flitting between groups every weekend, and often during the week. We'd stay up late, play games, have 24-hour movie festivals. Now the boy has arrived, and so much has changed.

I'll never say that I'm not thrill to have my son. I'd take him in a heartbeat over anybody else I know. But there is no denying that he has been a handicap to our social activities. This is no surprise. Yet, I am still stunned by the magnitude of the impact he has had. V mixes well with our friends, they love him much. But what drives me bonkers is knowing we have to go home early and that I know we've been left out of other plans. This is the high school feeling all over again. "Don't you like me? I thought we were cool." Bleh.

As mentioned in my other post, I know there is no malice being slid back and forth, but the brain and heart can take off in all sorts of different directions and pull your logic and reason with them.

I mentioned in my last post that there will soon be another father in my social arena. This thrills me to no end. If nothing else, these posts are a way to sort through my thoughts and goofy feelings. But before too long, I'll be able to actually have a conversation about them. For fatherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But it has been the most trying experience in ways I never would have expected.

50 Hour Week

Parent Teacher conferences are always a real pain. It's not that the parents are so bad. It's not that I don't want to see parents (because I do; way better that talking over the phone). The bane of it all is the extra eight hours I have to put in over the first two days.

I don't know what would make this necessary nuisance any better. Maybe line it up with a break or a long weekend. That would be awesome anyway because so many take a day off anyhow by the end of the week (apparently we have 8 teachers for which they couldn't find subs).

Luckily, my classes remain chill throughout the day and this weekend requires little to nothing of me. I will grade and read, play games, and not have to teach a Sabbath School lesson or preach. Stress should reduce, and life will be peachy.

In other news, I'm getting the itch to write again, but I'm truly distraught about how to go about it. Ideas are coming and going on a week that I can't focus on much of anything. And with my laptop urinated on and my destruction of my mouse for my desktop, I'm not sure how things will come to be (I've even been jotting down things by hand...BY HAND! It's all caveman-ish.).

Things that make you go, "@#$^%&!!"

Last night I went to see Toy Story and Toy Story 2 in 3D--good times. Though I can agree with a friend of mine that they are not my favorite of the Pixar crew (pretty sure Up will go uncontested for quite a while), but these two flicks are still pretty sweet. First of all, I haven't watched either in years, so to revisit them in a theater with the bonus of 3D was a great little outing. The downside to the evening is that it led for a later night than usual, and with that, my day has decided to seize me.

I woke up late. I was expecting that. I rushed to get ready and was about to get out the door when I noticed a funk steaming from my take-home-stuff-from-work bag. I think I had noticed it the night before when I went to the basement to feed the cats, but I couldn't identify a source, so I thought nothing of it. Now, with me fighting to get out the door, the smell was unmistakably familiar--urine.

"You've got to be kidding me."

In my bag, a folder full of graded papers and my school laptop marinated in a puddle of piss. It was a moment when I couldn't even think of a swear to fit my irritation. My wife felt horrible for me, but obviously her sympathy was all she could offer. I wipe the machine free of most of its foul feline coating and popped the battery out figuring that it could be anywhere among the cracks. Eventually I wrapped it in a grocery bag and headed for work.

Couple of hours later, and nothing has improved much. People have asked me if it still works. "I don't know," I tell them. "I'm afraid to check." Eventually, I did. I clicked the battery back in, plugged it into a wall, and it squealed at me. The sound was like a whale song, but higher pitched and furious. I picture a guy listening to the sounds in a room and interpreting. "Mmm...she's angry."

I'm angry.

Parent teacher conferences are tonight and that machine has my student records on it. Luckily, I know my students fairly well by now and we can talk about character and work ethic more than assignments.

The only other joy of today is that the computer guy at school was very cool about the who thing. I'm on a list to get a new computer by the end of the month anyhow, so my old one was going to be gotten rid of anyway. I'll be without a laptop now for a couple of weeks, he says, but after that, I'll have a better machine.

Nine and half hours to go before I head home...

Parent Teacher Conferences

I spent 12 hours at my school yesterday, and I'm doing it again today. Parent/Teacher conferences are not my favorite time of the semester. And though things went well yesterday, I am beat. I think of people who work massive shifts at hospitals or oil platforms who work for days straight and then take so many days off. Even with naps or whatever in between, I think my puny body would just not take it.

Overall, though, the conferences do allow me the opportunity to test the parental waters for support. It's all sorts of unfortunate when you don't have any support from home, and it's very reassuring to find some folk that will whip their kids into shape so I don't have to. And aside from the occasional mother staring at me like a dairy cow on the verge of being hit by a train, I found a lot of good support. Hopefully tonight will be equally supportive.

Education: The Parental Perspective

I've heard a lot about private education, and boarding schools in general, from a lot of parents. And from those conversations, I've learned a good chunk about people in general.

On the negative side, I've heard a lot of parents complain about Adventist schools ruining their children. "I sent my child to that school, and they came back with a more foul mouth, and more destructive habits than they had before they went."

That sucks. But it's true as well. While I went to Campion, I began learning all sorts of new words and word combinations. I still remember some friends of mine swearing in the dumbest ways possible. "That girl is shit-fine." Sorry, Jon. Doesn't sound as cool as you would like.

But look at this a bit more logically. Teenagers are teenagers.

On the positive side, some kids need the environment of Christian education. They need a smaller student population, they need teachers who will see and talk with them almost everyday. They need to have the options of spending 24 hours a day with other people to build up some kind of social skills. For many, it is crucial that they interact with people who believe the same things. If a person watches the way kids interact on the campus of a Christian boarding school, he or she will see a difference from any other school.

My mother-in-law and I were in a discussion about the future of Christian education. I was on the offensive, picking apart all the little things that could be picked. But in the end, she said something that totally shut me up.

"I've watched my daughter grow and become wonderful adults with interests in God. They have made great friends, and one of them has found a husband that we couldn't be more proud of. I have never had to worry about so many of the things that other parents have to worry about. So whether it's about money, academics, or whatever...it was worth it, completely."

Dreaming Again

Last night I dreamed that a bunch of ten-year-olds had broke into my house and ransacked the place. I called the police, but they weren't open until 8:00 a.m. Luckily, the perpetrators came back to apologize for wrecking the drum-set and keying the Prius. Their parents were furious with them as they drug them around by the ear. I guess it's time I finished Half Moon Investigations.

Makes me want to thank all the good parents out there that would nearly rip their child's ear off for doing something so stupid and punch the parents that have raise little hellions and don't care.

The weekend is bound to be full of many video games as the wife will be out of town. I also plan on seeing Fame performed at the high school.